Where did my sister go?

 My sister died on January 19, 2007, but before she did, most of who she was left her body. I don't remember getting the call from my father that Lisa had gotten sick, had a heart attack, and been dead for 8 minutes before doctors brought her back, but remember the utter despair in his voice when he called me 3 months later to tell me that she had finally passed on. I never ever want to hear that kind of grief in another person's voice again, but I'm sure I will at some point again in my life. That's just life.

But, where did my sister actually go when she left, came back, and left for good again? I don't believe in heaven, so I don't think she is there. My father and nephews believe that's where she is, so I try hard to not bring the issue up with them. I don't think Lisa is in heaven, but I also don't think she no longer exists. Certainly she lives on in the people who remember her, but I think there's more to her now that she's dead than just memories.

For a long time after her death I believed and was scared she'd show up in some tangible capacity. Seeing my dead sister would be an incredible joy, until I realized that seeing a dead person meant that spiritual world did in fact exist and logically contained all the nightmarish things humans can conceive. There's comfort in this kind of intangible ambiguity.

Will I ever see/recognize my sister again? I see her in my children at times, my dad as well, but it's never even close to her whole self. I often times wonder what restrictions on communing with the living might there be on the other side? What are the dead allowed to know about the living? What understanding do we gain being dead that might compel us to leave loved ones behind and never speak with them as we used to again?

I just want an explanation that satisfies, which, I know, is an incredibly petulant thing to want. But for fuck's sake, my sister died suddenly and way too early in life. I miss her so much that I get triggered into wracking sobs when a young Black woman dies of an illness in almost any movie. Thirteen years later I'm still just as devastated by the loss of the relationship we were building once the 23 years that separated us was beginning to erode. I got a legit beef with the universe.

So where did Lisa go? Why did she leave a small fraction of herself behind before taking it with her? What does it mean to be reduced to just your basic software as a human and why is witnessing that part 1000x worse than burying a loved one? I miss you so much Lisa that I'm crying as I write this. I hope you're well wherever you are. Drop me a line if you can, but only if all the scary shit we living think exists  in the spiritual world doesn't actually exist. I love you more than I ever told you when you were alive.